you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
