were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
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Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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