ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Four minutes until I can fart!
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.