i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits