Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
