yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.