Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
