Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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