I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
