How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
