We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
