checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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