I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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