I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
