I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
