If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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