Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
