I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
