nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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