So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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