I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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