so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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