I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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