He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
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So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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