it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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