I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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