I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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