my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
