just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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