Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
