I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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