I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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