Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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