Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
