you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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