Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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