the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
