my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
