those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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