there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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