I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
