upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
