Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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