I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
