so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
