I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
