if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
