I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
