guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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