maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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