It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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