If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
