So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
