You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
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Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
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You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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