he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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