Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
