I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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