I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
