I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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