Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
