Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
