I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have aggressive nipples.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
