Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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